Berate Me

🚀 Oh look, another AI product on Product Hunt with a rocket emoji. Except this one is CLEARLY the pinnacle of artificial intelligence. While others waste computing power on trivial things like medical research or climate modeling, we're using cutting-edge AI to call you "Captain Couch Potato" when you skip the gym. You're welcome, humanity. Behold Berate.me, the revolutionary application of advanced neural networks that our grandchildren will surely thank us for. We've taken billions in AI research and development and created... checks notes... an app that tells you you're garbage until you become slightly less garbage. Why we dedicated our lives to this groundbreaking advancement: When faced with all the possible applications of artificial intelligence, we asked ourselves: "What does the world TRULY need?" The answer was obvious: an AI that can craft personalized insults with the precision and creativity that only a $100 million language model can provide. Nobel Prize committee, we'll wait for your call. Features (that definitely justify the existence of AI): 🤬 State-of-the-Art Insult Vectors: Our AI analyzes your deepest failures to generate mathematically optimal put-downs. 🤬 Neural-Network Negativity Calibration: Adjust how mean you want us to be, using technology that could instead be parsing cancer scans. 🤬 Quantum Insult Scheduling: Get belittled at the time of your choosing, powered by the same computing systems that could be solving protein folding. 🤬 DeepSeek Destruction Matrix: Our premium tier utilizes computational resources that could power a small city just to tell you your workout routine is pathetic. Pricing (funding our clearly essential contribution to humanity): 💸 Dope-Ass DeepSeek: $6.90/month - The computational equivalent of a Mars rover just to call you lazy 🤑 Lame-Ass Llama: $4.20/month - Only wastes the computing power of a small autonomous vehicle 🖕 F**kin Freeloader: $0/forever - AI-powered insults that could have instead been used for trivial things like education 👑 Ultimate Power Move: $420,069 - Own the entire AI system that could have solved world hunger but instead tells people they're slobs "EXCLUSIVE" PRODUCT HUNT OFFER (because we're disrupting the motivation space, obviously): 🎩 30 FREE INSULT CREDITS - Yes, we're allocating GPU cycles that could accelerate vaccine development to call you names instead. For free! If you have questions or suggestions, we are listening! Not intently, we have other shit going on, but we're happy to take your feedback in order to train our AI to be more whiny.